From the age of nine, I remember saying “Yes” when I meant “No” or “No” when I meant “Yes”. I was the child who Lied. Not because I liked it but because deep down inside, it always felt like my truth could not exist outside my mouth. My truth which essentially is my voice. The habit of lying all started with the need to survive abuse. I am a child abuse survivor. I swallowed my own voice to survive. I was raised in a Nigerian house hold where I felt emotionally unsafe…marinated in constant yelling and fights between my father and step mother. Happy days were short lived. It was an environment where I couldn’t be happy for too long.
The temperature of living in that house was Bipolar. I learned to Tip toe around people. Hiding my true thoughts and feelings.
My parents would take their fights out on me. I was always feeling like I was to blame for their loveless marriage. I harbored deep resentment for my father for forcing a new mother down my throat (a woman who didn’t want me) while preventing me from seeing my biological Mother. She’s passed away in 2011. May her soul rest in peace. I experienced physical, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. I will come to find out later that abusing me was thought to be the way of correcting me. A point of view common in African homes. I was beaten mercilessly for the things I did wrong as a child and the things assumed to be wrong, little things like watching Tv or eating meat from the pot.
It felt like the people who should be responsible for my existence as a child were irritated by it.
To lie meant that I would say what my abusers wanted to hear so I could escape being beaten that day or even if I got beaten it would be reduced. I’m talking blood gushing out my face and my fathers belt used to whip me, creating marks on my skin..yeah that type of beating.
Whenever I tried to tell the truth, my father hated it and rejected it. I will later find out, he too was beaten this way as child. It was as if beating me was a way releasing his self hatred from childhood. He would beat me into submission, I must submit to his narrative. He beats a “Yes” out of my mouth or a “No” whichever one justifies his reason for beating me with his belt. Lying became my survival tactic.
I buried my sense of truth deep down in my subconscious. I felt like my truth was useless, couldn’t and wouldn’t set me free, was unwelcome and never to be heard of. I was afraid to speak my truth without the fear of dying.
The lying became my mask, my toolkit. The personality of this mask I created was the quiet girl who pleases everyone but herself. The quite girl afraid to speak up. The yes ma’am girl. Some of my background behaviors were; adjusting to people’s facial expressions…Are they angry? Smile, don’t upset anyone..walking on eggshells, tip toeing around people, procrastinating, using humor to diffuse tension, going out of my way to do things for people to get validation.
I daydreamed and fantasized a-lot; escaping into other dimensions as a way to cope, fantasizing about freedom, if I could literally live in my imagination I would. It was the only place I felt free and safe. It felt like going into a movie. I hated returning to my painful reality. These behaviors felt like the only guarantee for safety. The effect of having this mask on brought false relationships. My reality became distorted.
During my teenage years to early adult years I never had true loving relationships. Or even if there were people who could’ve loved me, I was not equipped to receive it. I wouldn’t know how to. I would later find out that teaching myself to receive love would be a challenge in and of itself. Didn’t know what a nurturing love looked like or felt like. I had a glimpse of it watching it on Tv but never truly experienced it. Never had the blue print of true loving and safe relationships.
Nobody knew who I really was. How could they? I didn’t know who I was.
I kept attracting the wrong people. As I grew older I attracted false friendships, false romantic relationships. I got burned many times until I grew tired. I was tired of living a voiceless life. Tired of being beaten. I felt like I was slowly slipping into nonexistence. I romanticized the idea of dying. Then at the age of twenty, something inside of me nudged me to run away from home to find myself or risk dying. I daydreamed my escape, the opportunity presented itself and I ran away.
I started to do the work of getting to know myself. I wish someone told me this would be the most difficult thing to do. It was hard. I felt every growing pains of unlearning the lying habit, every growing pain of trusting love, trusting people, every growing pain of vulnerability and taking the mask off. But it was and still is rewarding.
I attended a personal development workshop where I learned true human connection that is safe, kind and loving, where I witnessed other people’ sharing their stories, some painful upbringing just like mine. I finally felt..I am not alone. I exhaled. I started reading books on self love, and started to see what’s possible when you live your truth. I noticed I did not die when I said my truth. I discovered that everything good thing I’ve ever wanted is all in being my true self. EVERYTHING!
The friendships you want, the romantic partner, the lifestyle, the money, the freedom, the happiness. it’s all in being the totality of you. Is it easy? No. Learning to live my truth is the most difficult challenge I’ve ever taken on. I’m still a work in progress.
Love was difficult to trust. I was so used to being on fight or flight, My body was addicted to stress and the only way I knew how to exist was in restlessness, unease, feeling antsy, prepared for the worse, fight or flight, looking over my shoulders, not trusting people, not trusting touch and intimacy. It took a while for my body to trust being touched, a gentle touch, a sensual touch, a sexual touch, any touching. Touch was registered as pain in my nervous system.
It took 8 years of conscious practice. It’s not easy to trust love when you didn’t experience that as a child. I had to learn to get to know my own voice. What my inner voice sounds like, feels like and trusting my intuition. I started with baby steps. I began practicing getting familiar with my voice through blogging, dancing and doing voice over the dance videos. I’d jump into the fire of saying the truth even though it felt uncomfortable. I made a commitment to myself that if I automatically lied to feel safe in a moment where my safety wasn’t compromised I must correct it. I learned to talk to my inner child to reprogram my mind and integrate repressed emotions.
My authentic self slowly showed itself to me. I got to know the real Efe underneath.
I knew I needed a healthy habit to override unhealthy ones. I knew I needed to create new memories to override old ones. I started dating myself. Solo dates helped me hear my own voice. I would go to a restaurant alone to eat, or take a solo trip somewhere, spend time in nature, meditate in stillness and just listen to my inner dialogue. I fell in love with my inner voice, then my outer world started to change. I discovered my likes and dislikes, my passion for art and performing, what I like to do to create income in a way that I love, I met better friends who were healthy, and I am currently married to a loving husband. Before doing the work on myself I was living a script that did not belong to me. Here are some questions I would ask myself.
Who’s script am I subconsciously following? Is this my voice or my father’s?
You can usually tell when the trajectory of your life is dancing very similar to the people you are familiar with. Its all you’ve ever known. However, teaching yourself to be open to a NEW WORLD, changes your perspective. knowing something NEW and DIFFERENT that will make your soul bloom.
Who is sitting in the driver seat of your life right now? Who is living in your head rent free? Who are you trying so hard not to disappoint? When will you live your life by your own design?.. Who are you when no one is watching? What do you secretly wish for when there is nobody to impress or please? When all that factor is removed? If you don’t have to work for money right now, what will you rather do?
That’s your truth.
The mental dance of living a LIE sucks. I remember those days when I’ll lay on the bed when my family is out and l’m in the room by myself daydreaming of the life I am living now. The true life, not the fake one. l’l be like “gosh | wish I could just be free to travel and do whatever I want, I wish I could have free time for myself, or | wish I could be myself without getting punished for it. The decision to live my truth and the process of doing is an ongoing process. I had to give up who I was to be who I really am. I moved to a new continent. Change of environment is a must. You may have to leave familiarity. That’s the price. It’s a process.
There are times when little crumbs of lies creep up in to my forefront, and times when my system hijacks me into lying for safety. The good thing is that I have developed the awareness and the habit of challenging a thought that does not align with my truth.
I remember challenging the thought of “hard work”. I literally asked myself out loud “where did I get this workaholic mentality from?” “Who taught me to reject rest?” “ The answer came to me. It was from my father. “Who made me feel like I wasn’t good enough when I would lay on the couch to watch tv and play?” The answer came; it was my step mother. The real me like to work smart and make more, and I like to enjoy the restful unproductive lazy days. I believe we need both for balance.
There are times when I catch myself like hold’on this is not ME. Or the time I challenged a thought on relationships. Who said I need to sacrifice my wants and needs to be a good person?” The answer came. It was from church when I was a religious Jesus girl. Who said I couldn’t make friends? Who programmed me to think that I am socially incapable of relating/making friends? it was my parents isolating way of raising me. They never encouraged me to have friends. It’s a conditioning and can be reversed.
Become aware of your thought patterns and show your brain new evidence of what’s possible.
You must dare to dream so big that it scares the shit out of you!
If you want to get paid in the thousands, you need to give up the comfortable history of receiving hundreds. You need to be able to say NO to a 100 dollar bill. If you want healthy loving relationships, you need to be able to say NO to what looks good on the outside and choose what feels nourishing for your soul. If you want healthy friendships, you need to give up people taking up space in the name of history and listen to your inner compass, there are people you naturally gravitate towards, and they towards you. My family is trying so hard to be a part of my life right now after I left them 8 years ago. Sometimes Leaving family is necessary.
I promise you, the moment you start living your truth unapologetically, the people in your life will either adjust to you or fade away for the people deserving of you to show up. Don’t forget it’s going to be a process. Be kind and gentle on yourself.
As you practice living your truth, your true ecosystem of abundance will show itself to you, your financial system (the very thing you need to do to make so much money than you ever imagined and you enjoy doing it; your relational system (the relationships that feel good, natural connections and nourishment for you), your other systems including your health (what you need to consume and enjoy for optimal health) this one is still a work in progress for me. I’m still learning to find a balance with food. Again it’s a process, don’t expect perfection.
You will make progress, you will digress, it’s part of the journey into your true self. Baby steps. It’s been 8 years of unlearning and learning for me, I have made progress, l’ve digressed, there is more to unlearn but ultimately I have become more of myself than who l was 8 years ago.
Try new things, travel to places you never been, meet new people, adopt new skills that expands your true self.
My ecosystem demanded I shut down brick and mortar way of working during the pandemic and start YouTube. My ecosystem demanded that Last fall I do an acting program to expand my personal and artistic truth, for next year I feel my ecosystem demanding that I take writing seriously and also take a public speaking class and also adopt a skill for short term rentals in real estate.
What is your ecosystem demanding that you may have been putting off? What is your gravitational pull right now?
Something is always calling us forth for greatness. Sweetheart Listennn to it!
