He didn’t have much to say during conversations in the getting to know each-other phase of our relationship. I hated it at first.
Why are you quiet?
You’re not asking me questions?
You’re not curious about me?
I come to find out from him overtime that he just enjoys my vibe. He’s getting to know me through feeling out my energy. He’ll talk here and there but he is mostly observing me and listening.
And that was how I ended up with a man who knows me more than I know myself sometimes. I learned something about “presence” from him. Words and talk is great. But presence reveals a lot of information about someone. How you feel within another person’s energy field tells you a YES, NO, MAYBE or NOT YET. I’ve become more like my husband now. I find myself talking less and observing more. And checking in with myself on the after-feeling of coming into contact with a person. I’d ask; How do I feel being around this person today?
My husband also learned to express himself vocally from me because we need balance. Over the years I can say that we’ve met eachother in the middle now. I used to make his lack of vocal expression a problem. But when society conditions men to not express their feelings, they find a different way. The man that was discouraged from vocally expressing has now transformed to more of a FEEL-ER. He has transformed to the SHOW-ER not the TELL-ER. He’ll show you he loves you but won’t say it out his mouth much. He has resorted to relying on his inner voice which is very sharp. He gets to know you by going within himself as you talk. He needs the silence between you talking. He observes your facial expressions, the sound of your voice, the vibration of your intentions as you speak. He knows your character, the kind of person you are. This is great. However, he keeps his feelings and observations to himself. Life is ying and yang. You also want to get to know him too…and as women talking is how we mostly give a person access into our inner world and also how we request access into another person’s inner world. What works for us is;
I give him the space to vocally express. Instead of coming from the point of view of blame or make wrong. I learned to come from understanding, patience, love, grace, safety and without pressure. I’d tell him while holding his hands and looking into his eyes; it is safe for you to tell me whatever you are feeling and whenever you are feeling it. I am here for you whenever you are ready.
He started becoming more vocally expressive on his own and would sometimes talk non-stop about everything he is feeling, thinking, wanting, and excited about. He’s become more like me now. I vocally encouraged him with love and he willingly gives me access into his inner world. The dominant observer and the dominant vocal expresser are married. I feel blessed to be in this combination.
If you are woman with someone like my husband, I want you to know that It’s okay and natural to want the words along with the actions. He may not give it as often as you’d like but if you create the safe space, he will meet you somewhere in the middle. And it’s actually a good thing that he meets you in the middle and not completely change himself for you. I believe difference is actually healthy. You get to learn from eachother. You are two entities coming together. He’ll adopt some of you and you’ll adopt some of him with time. Balance is what’s more important.
And I think it’s interesting when what we really need presents itself as “different”. It’s easy to label “different” as a red flag when it’s actually green in disguise. Perhaps you mostly live in the projection of the future or the past and you attract someone who mostly lives in the present. I think it’s important to recognize that they are in your life with the purpose of anchoring you to live in the moment. You are also anchoring them to uncover the past, release old wounds, set themselves free and you are anchoring them to have visions about the future and to prepare for what lies ahead. All of this is valuable. With time integration will happen. My husband avoided the past but has now softened to talk about it. It took time and there is more to uncover. I am more of the proactive visionary between us, he is the go with the flow in the moment kind of person. I love when he anchors me into the moment when he sees that I am stressing about a future that hasn’t even happened yet or I am sweating about something that happened ten years ago. And with my visionary trait, I anchored him into stepping into the entrepreneur he has always dreamed to me, my energy anchors him into taking action now so that we have a better future.
I say all of this to say; You need the different-ness of each other. Its easier said than done. You may not want it, you may not even like it all the time. I still don’t like that he doesn’t talk enough when I want him to sometimes. My unhealthy trait is wanting him to be ME. I have gotten better. I catch myself and remind myself why I choose him in the first place. He is his own person and deserves to be respected for being his own person in the way that he expresses his personality unique to him. I respect and I value that he is the calm to my storm. I am grounded and I feel my feet on the floor when I’m around him. His energy brings me down to earth to notice the simple things in life that matters. He gets me out of my head and into my heart. In return; I get to love him into becoming the man he wants to be but sometimes gets scared to step into. I encourage him to take risk, to bet on himself and close the gap between who he is now and who he wants to become. Through my contribution to his evolution, he gets to turn his dreams into reality and he gets to live a life full of possibility.
And that was how he ended up with a woman who knows him more than he knows himself sometimes.
