They don’t put in as much effort like I do
The emotional exhaustion of always having to be the one to initiate things with people sucks!
We are the one to ask people to hang out or start a video call or anything of that sort.
We are the one to text or message the guy or girl we really want to date
We are the one trying to get really close to that friend, we call or text more than they do
We are the one to initiate conversations in the relationship
We are the one to initiate emotional intimacy.
We are always THE ONE, it is EXHAUSTING…..and we are tired!
Why can’t they just put in the effort?
Well…Here is why!
And oh this will blow your mind honey….in a good way
We allowed them to rent a very big apartment in our head and it’s not even mutual for them.
Have you been judged by people like this? because I have. People telling you..
“it’s your communication skills…you don’t really know how to communicate with people, or oh you are not really a social person, you don’t have the skills blah blah blah…”.
Everything is not always about communication skills and social skills; we forget energy. Sometimes it’s simply mismatched energy. I know this because I am the type of person that all of a sudden will behave like someone who cannot finish a sentence in a room full of people I don’t vibe with. But put me somewhere else with people I actually like to talk and vibe with and I will talk non-stop, giggling out loud and just enjoying myself with no care in the world and with no alcohol to loosen up.
people will try to make you feel wrong for not succeeding to emotionally connect. The truth is you are not wrong in any way.
You are not wrong for wanting to connect with someone else on a deeper level.
However, you need to accept that your happiness does not depend on them.
People show you or tell you the place you are in their life. The question is…have you accepted what they are showing you or telling you?
If you are a person’s priority you will know. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone and they are very much into you as you are into them, you will know.
The reason why you feel like something is missing is because something is actually missing….Can you accept that something?
The truth is, if the feeling is mutual, and if that person really want to be close friends with you or want to be in a serious relationship with you, then you don’t have to TRY to connect with them.
You don’t have to HUSTLE for the emotional connection. It naturally happens.
Granted, some people don’t know how to express their true feelings verbally, but they will show you through their actions….You will know that they still care about you. They’ll buy you flowers, or do little acts of kindness or acts of service. But when they are not interested, they’ll also show you through their actions…either give you cold feet….not texting you back, or just reacting to what you say but never really asking you questions to get to know you on a deeper level and never really making plans to connect with you on their own without you bringing it up first.
Within the context of communication in romantic relationships or even friendships, I know some of you may argue that, oh some people prefer to listen than talk or some people don’t ask personal questions because they respect you or don’t want to overstep your boundaries. This could be true. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with listening or respecting boundaries.
But what about curiosity?
Curiosity is something that naturally happens when someone is interested in you. When they are into you, they will respectfully ask you personal questions and then say something in the lines of “If you don’t want to share right now I understand and respect your decision”…this will inform a person that you really want to get to know them and you are curious about them, now it’s up to the person to share, but that curiosity in and of itself is nourishing and validating.
What pisses me off is this; If the other person claims that they are listening to me talk, and I’m telling them something that is really important to me but their attention is divided, they look away or they start doing something on their phone or they listen only to respond and dismiss what I’m saying or not at any point did they ask me questions or show any type of curiosity about what I am telling them , then I’m not sure they are really listening or interested in getting to know me as a romantic partner or friend.
People show or tell if they f*CK with you. When we have not accepted the place they put us in their life, we continue to make excuses for them.
When we try to use UNDERSTANDING to make excuses for why they are not trying to put in the effort, it means that we have not accepted the truth of who they are with us.
Using Understanding to make excuses for people Erks me out, why do we do that? ugh
We say things like …
oh, I understand that he is not in a good place financially right now, and so that is why he is not really emotionally available, when he pays off his debt he will connect with me.
But what happens when the debt is paid off and he still is not into you?
But when it’s not an excuse we should be able to say something like this …
He is not in a good place financially and he still made me feel special on our anniversary, he made me breakfast in bed and took me for a walk and we talked and laughed.
Or, another excuse we give is this…
oh, we haven’t had sex yet, once we have sex we will bond emotionally or once I have a baby with him we will be emotionally close.
Meanwhile, when it’s not an excuse we should be able to say this instead…
We haven’t even had sex and I feel so bonded with him.
Another example of an excuse we give in friendships using understanding;
oh, my friend is pregnant right now, I understand the hormones are playing on her and so she can’t call me until the baby is born….
Then the baby gets born…the baby is 2 years old…the baby is 10 years old and your friend still doesn’t initiate calls?
When it’s not an excuse we should be able to say this instead….
She called me and we talked about the discomfort, the baby kicking, the whole process, I felt like I was there with her. I’m so glad I was able to support her through this.
NOW CHECK THIS OUT…
The truth is if they really want you, if you are really their priority, they will create time out of their busiest schedule, or IF THEY CAN’T AT THE MOMENT THEY WILL RESPECTFULLY LET YOU KNOW and GET BACK To YOU WHEN THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY AVAILABLE because creating space to connect with you and strengthening your relationship together matters to them.
Sometimes we don’t have the space to give to people in the moments when we are burnt out from life, I get that. Sometimes we don’t have the bandwit. Sometimes people are going though depression. This is when respect comes in. If I don’t have the bandwit or the energy at the moment to give, I am the type of person to respectfully let my friend know “Hey right now I am not in the right frame of mind, lets talk about this later or Hey right now I need some space to recollect and regroup myself , I’ll be back. I Love you” and my best-friend is the same way.
Learning to accept the reality of where I stand in my relationship with people and not expect more is one of the best things I’ve done for my mental and emotional health…if the reality of my relationship with you is that we are not that close then I don’t expect to be close to you and I won’t try to anymore. We don’t TRY” for people when we really connect with them…we naturally look forward to it.
When we start trying, and trying, and hustling and hustling to connect…It’s a sign that something is really not clicking between the both of you.
You and that person are not that close for a reason…and that’s okay because energy doesn’t lie. We naturally gravitate towards people we energetically f*ck with. When you don’t know why you and that person can’t seem to connect on a deep level, it’s energy. Maybe there is something about them that makes you uncomfortable that you can’t seem to wrap your head around but you feel it… It’s the same thing when you connect with someone and you don’t know why, maybe their energy nourishes you. The truth is you don’t need to know why! Your energy knows who matches you and you will connect with them easily without thinking about it or questioning if they do too.
The fact that you are questioning your closeness or that you are uneasy about their unmatched effort means that the relationship is one sided and the mutual connection is not there.
You probably understand this on an intellectual level but not emotionally, you logically get it that your 2 plus their 0 is equal to your 2.
Let me break the math down for you… 2 (your effort)+0 (their effort) =2 (your one-sided effort). Your head knows this, but you don’t want to accept the truth in your heart, you don’t want to know what you know because it hurts to not feel wanted back. But sweetheart, Can you please accept the truth emotionally?
People cannot give you what they don’t have for you. And your only job is to recognize your place in their life, and the place you have put them in yours. And you may find out that you are the one sustaining the relationship emotionally the whole time.
Now when you do accept this truth, two things are possible.
1- they step up
Your energy is no longer fixated on them, they feel it that you have leaned back, then they lean forward…they start putting in the effort. This scenario is true when someone is genuinely interested in you but does not understand or may have forgotten the principle of growth and so they become comfortable and no longer see the need to try new things or keep in touch as much since you are already in a relationship together or you are already friends.
2-they fade away
It never was meant to be. PERIOD
In this case, there is no need to keep trying to make them connect or see the reasons why they should connect. Step back, observe, accept and let go….
If the truth is that you and that person were never meant to be then let it be.
If the truth is that you are the one getting in the way by giving too much and not allowing them to give back to you then this can transform your relationship for the better.
Sometimes, we do get in the way when we try to control the outcomes and when we try to prove ourself to the other person that we are good enough. And so they may feel suffocated by your need to always control the conversation or the things you do together because you are not allowing them to initiate.
I am guilty of this one. I used to be very masculine in my energy, I used to give off “I am too independent I don’t need a man or I don’t need help” type of vibe. I used to be a control freak. Always want to be on top of situations and micromanaging things not trusting that the other human I am in relationship with can handle things. I was essentially blocking the opportunity for the other person to initiate. I was blocking our growth by cuddling and rescuing. They didn’t feel the need to initiate anything because I already do all the heavy lifting. You can imagine the weight I was carrying. Maybe you are guilty of this too. If you are, it’s good that you are aware of it now. I enjoy leaning into my feminine energy now.
I am at the point in my life where I pay attention to the foundation of my relationships with people and I also recognize what I am responsible for. When I catch myself trying to control things, I re-assess and step back. When I start to feel like my cup is getting empty I step back. If we don’t have an emotional connection as the foundation and the relationship is withering away….I let it wither.
I take a step back and allow what is falling part to fall apart. It is ending for a reason. By doing this I am creating space for people who naturally emotionally connect with me as I do with them and together we have an emotional connection that nourishes us.
I believe It is not only by social techniques or social skills. We have it within us to connect with people we are meant to connect with… it’s innate.
As kids, there were no social or communication skills required to play with other kids, we naturally make friends, and bond with people we want to bond with and vice versa. We didn’t have to analyze it.
Even if you think you are the most socially awkward person on earth, there are billions of other people who are just like you and will connect with you in your social awkwardness. There is someone for everyone.
There is no need to make your social awkwardness wrong, you are like that for a reason and it is serving you. I actually talked more about this in my previous post you are not broken sweetie…stop trying to fix yourself
Once you accept your place in people’s lives, and you see things for what they really are, and you allow what wants to be..TO BE….you will understand that your happiness really does not depend on anything or anyone.
