This lady and I got talking during a hike in LA. She noticed I was by myself. She knew I was married. I had told her. Next thing you know she made a remark “your husband allowed you to travel by yourself?”. I looked at her. Then I said “Nobody have the power to ALLOW me to do anything, I will not give anyone the power to ALLOW me, not even my husband”.
Some people really cannot wrap their mind around seeing a married woman’s independence. It threatens their own insecurities. I believe solo travel should be encouraged for anyone who want to do it.
I love traveling with my husband, however I Love traveling with myself too. It’s different. When I solo travel I enjoy the spontaneous serendipity I can only experience when it’s just me. It grows me in a different way. It teaches me to rely on myself. Most importantly I hear myself louder when it’s just me. I hear my inner voice clearer. No other person’s opinion, I don’t have to consider anyone to make a decision to try an experience. The freedom is different. I love it.
Husband and I do long distance relationship within our marriage when I travel. And no it’s not for work reasons. It’s for pleasure! It’s for solo trip enjoyments. I be like, alright husband; I’m off…see you in 2 weeks. Interestingly, it actually grows our love. However, it wasn’t an easy adjustment for him.
I wanted a man who is his own person, I am my own person, and we are two individuals in partnership. I consciously designed the kind of relationship I want. I called it forth. I wanted a partnership where two people can go off and do their own thing and come back to talk all about it. And also do things together.
My Husband was not fully on board with my solo traveling in the beginning, it’s something he wasn’t used to, he mostly saw relationships where both people only travel and do things together (where only one identity exist, the identity of THE RELATIONSHIP).
Then he landed a wife who is the opposite, a complete explorer. What an adjustment it has been for him. One of his concerns was safety. He worried if I’ll be safe by myself. I had to remind him I came to this whole continent by myself. This woman he married is different breed. I can absolutely handle my own.
He had to adjust to me solo traveling because it is my non-negotiable. I told him “I can only be healthy for you and us when my cup is full”. Solo travel fills my cup therefore I will not negotiate that. You want a happy wife or nah?.
You teach people how to treat you including your spouse. You can mold your own relationship reality. YOU MUST PRIORITIZE “YOU” FIRST. Sounds selfish but its a healthy selfish that will actually help your relationship for the better. It’s a healthy selfish that will rule out co-dependency. Many people don’t know who they are outside their marriage identity of “us”.
I made it very clear to my husband when we were dating. I am ME. You are YOU. And there is US. All three identities I want to co-exist in our partnership together. While he welcomed the idea, the reality of it happening was a different experience. It was the I am fine with it until it happened moment. When I had saved up enough and ready to solo explore on the second year of our marriage, we hit a turbulence.
We were able to navigate the turbulence with uncomfortable conversations. I made the decision to be FULL of myself. You have to be. Please be FULL of yourself or you’ll become a lost half baked human in your marriage with unrealized personal dreams, desires, and visions. You must put your oxygen mask first. That doesn’t mean you can’t do things together. I travel solo and also travel with him. It’s a balance.
You must assert clear boundaries of yourself otherwise the line will get blurry real fast and before you know if you have become a shadow of yourself in the relationship.
My solo travel triggered my husband’s insecurities in the beginning. A big FOMO came over him. He felt left out. I sat him down one day and dove right into the bottom of this insecurity.
Me: why do you always feel this way when I travel solo?
Husband: I feel like you are just out there enjoying things by yourself without me.
Me: I understand. How can you create your own enjoyment so that my enjoyment does not affect you?
******silence******
He had the aha moment; the realization that he doesn’t spend time exploring himself so when I do it, it makes him uncomfortable.
Husband: I don’t know. I’ve only seen couples mostly doing things together. I also don’t feel like you are safe out there alone.
Me: Babe, I understand that you feel unsettled, however this is what makes me happy and I will not give it up. I also strongly encourage you to begin cultivating your personal exploration so that mine doesn’t become a threat to you. Try something new by yourself, go to restaurant to eat by yourself or something. As for safety, I’ll keep you in the know at all times. I will do my solo travel and also travel with you.
And that I have done and continue to do. We’ve been married 4 years now. He was unsettled for a while, but slowly I noticed he started adjusting to it. I call him on my trips, he knows the details, and I wander off.
The fear for my safety feeling that he had slowly went away after he saw me doing solo trip multiple times. When I come back from my solo trip, I ensure we plan our trip together to create that balance. I also noticed that he started pursuing his own enjoyment slowly but surely. My husband was someone who would never eat at a restaurant alone. When I went away for one of my trips, he went out to go eat at a restaurant by himself and actually enjoyed it. He actually enjoys his solo time now. What a shift.
People become uncomfortable with your evolution when it reminds them of what they are not doing for themselves. Sometimes the person that is uncomfortable with your evolution is your spouse, your best friend, your mother, your father or even your kids. Sometimes you need to have that uncomfortable conversation with that person. It takes a level of awareness to recognize what is happening. They may understand, they may not. Stand your ground regardless. If they are for you they will adjust. Mine adjusted.
I consciously envisioned the kind of marriage I wanted. I layed it out…I sat my husband down and said. “This is the kind of relationship I want. I am going to be my own FULL person in this marriage. It includes doing everything I love from A to Z. Absolutely no shrinking of my dreams/desires. Are you in or out?” He opted him!..I was okay and willing to let him go if he chooses otherwise. I will not abandon myself for anybody. And I don’t want anybody to abandon themselves for me.
I absolutely also encourage and support my husband to be his own FULL person. I support all of his versions, I love seeing him evolve and grow. He can be a grown man to me, he can also be a playful 2 year old, all of his being is welcomed in my heart. I am fully accepting of all that he is. He can pursue all of his personal dreams and desires and I am open to adjusting to them…all of him is encouraged to be FULL. Two happy people create a happy marriage. We also have our dreams and goals together.
I don’t want half baked humans in my household. I want full realized humans, expanded humans in my family. We will have FULL children with their own realized dreams and desires. It’s going to be a FULL home.
Sweetheart, Please be a FULL person.
